Coolman 5 Has Just Been Released

It finally happened! Coolman and the Time Mission has hit the shelves.

I hope you’re ready to travel back in time with Coolman. His friend, Bob the Genius, certainly is. In fact, Bob can’t wait at all.

You see, dear Bob has been smart enough to build an actual time machine – and simultaneously stupid enough to send Triggerland’s president back to the age of dinosaurs.

This means that Coolman and Amanda have to travel 65 million years back in time to save the country’s leader – all while avoiding messing up the present by changing even the smallest things in the past. Which is tough when you love to shoot and blow things up.

Are you ready? Let’s do this!

But Wait a Moment – Let’s Celebrate This First!

You probably know this. It takes ages to publish a book. Even a silly book about Coolman requires months in front of the computer – from writing the first draft to finally releasing a fully edited and polished product.

That’s why it always feels tremendous when I finally reach the finish line. I feel like inviting the whole world over, giving speeches, and throwing a huge party.

But let’s be honest. That would be damn expensive. And I’m terrible at organizing events.

Fortunately, I have plenty of imagination! And it’s both cheap and doesn’t require much planning. So lean back, close your eyes (or wait a bit), and imagine:

You’re sitting in a helicopter flying low over the ocean. It’s noisy and shaky, but it’s amazing to hover over the water like this. It’s almost dark outside, and you feel detached from time and place. But you’re excited. You’re super excited.

You see a glimmer of light in the distance. A red light followed by yellow and green rays. They’re spotlights aiming at the sky. And as you get closer, you feel the bass from the speakers – even up here in the air.

The pilot turns to you. “I have to lower you down with a wire – they’re going crazy down there!” He gives you a worried look. “I hope we see each other again.”

You secure yourself to the metal wire. Normally, you’d never do something so insane, but the explosions, the dancing people, and the awesome music are getting to you. You’re reckless.

It’s freaking on!

(You remember drinking a case of beer while waiting for the helicopter, which probably explains a lot, but you quickly forget it).

You jump out of the helicopter. The sound of screaming metal follows you. Sparks from the wire. Fireworks explode around you. A rocket whizzes past your ear.

Suddenly, there’s no more wire left. A spring mechanism stops you abruptly, but at least not lethally.

You disconnect and suddenly find yourself among 500,000 crazy people shouting, “Stephen! Stephen! Stephen!”

Why are they shouting that? you wonder. And then you see it.

Stephen King steps forward on the big stage. The music stops. The fireworks pause. Stephen King clears his throat and says, “Hell yeah! Coolman 5 is fucking out!”

People cheer. And then fall silent. Stephen King tells a bit more about Coolman – and suddenly gets attacked from behind.

It’s James Gunn. He topples Stephen King, and they roll around a bit. Then they get up and laugh. “Want to hear something cool!” James Gunn shouts. “Coolman is becoming a fucking HBO series! And three movies!”

“FUCK YEAH,” the audience shouts.

James Gunn falls forward. It’s very dramatic. Some woman has run up on stage and tackled him.

But he gets up. He laughs. And hands the microphone to the woman.

She has a Norwegian accent. She’s very drunk. She shouts, “This year’s Nobel Prize in Literature goes to Sam Guydude!”

A Camaro suddenly drives up. It knocks over all the beautiful ice sculptures depicting characters from the Coolman books. It tumbles a few times, over a table of cocktails and lobster, and bursts into flames.

A man jumps out.

The man, it’s me! Sam Guydude.

I grab the microphone. “Have you checked the lining of your goodie bags?” I shout.

People go quiet. You take off your backpack and find the goodie bag that came with the invitation. You realize that there actually is something hidden in the lining.

Your jaw drops.

“That’s right!” I shout. “A check for 20 million dollars – and a free Camaro. For all of you!”

I leap off the stage and get caught. I get drunk with you and everyone else. We laugh like little kids. We cry with joy and laugh a little more. We forget why we’re here.

Why are we here, anyway? Oh yeah, a book. Some idiot wrote a book. But screw it! We’re having a blast. We set fire to the fireworks depot and laugh as the stage explodes. We dive into the massive heated swimming pool with a beer in each hand.

There’s thunder in the distance. But we don’t care. It’s pouring rain, but we’re just enjoying it. You get struck by lightning, but you feel electric.

Damn, it’s awesome, man. The most amazing night of our lives.

The next day, there’s a morning song. We sing Tick-Tock and drink coffee. Then we read Coolman 5 out loud. And say goodbye.

We can all feel it. This is a day that changed us forever. An insane and fantastic day.

You fly home in the same helicopter as Stephen King. He’s super nice and wants to hear about that time you completed Elden Ring, even though none of your friends want to hear about it. And when you get home, your partner is full of energy and thinks it’s perfectly okay that you destroyed an island somewhere random.

“You deserve to have fun once in a while,” she says. “Shall I pick up some delicious burgers from a proper grill bar?”

You nod. “Please do, honey.”

You sneak a nervous glance at the TV stand. “Can I play Elden Ring tonight?”

Your partner smiles. “From now on, you can always play Elden Ring as often as you want.”

You sit and stare into the air for a moment. You think that all of this must be too good to be true.

And . . .

. . . it is too good to be true. Your partner would never agree to such an arrangement. There are limits to how big wishes can be fulfilled.

That’s why it’s good that Coolman is at least published. When your partner is knitting and watching Gilmore Girls, you can travel back in time with the rest of us, while you think about the time you attended the coolest fantasy release party.

Thanks for joining.

See you in Triggerland! 🎉

– Sam Guydude

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